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Thursday, January 8, 2009

TFT: Remaining Friends With Your Friends Ex

Kind of a silly title.

Let me give you a fictional situation: My friend Phillip is dating Sarah.  Sarah and I end up growing to be friends because I'm such good friends with Phillip and we all hang out together.  Phillip and Sarah break up.  Is it okay for me to remain friends with Sarah?  Phillip and I were friends first, and we are better friends, but Sarah and I get along and have a lot in common.  I don't want to hurt Phillip by hanging out with Sarah and I certainly wouldn't bring Sarah around if I were hanging out with Phillip...What is the right and wrong here?

Now, on a non-fiction note, I have been in this situation before.  I have friends on myspace/facebook who are my friends' ex's, we don't really hang out ever, but we are friends.

What if the situation arose one day where the ex called me and wanted to hang out; would that be okay?  I've also been in the situation where I wanted nothing to do with the ex and end all ties.  It's always been curious to me if people do this - or how people handle the situation.  

This isn't a very insightful TFT, but more just me being curious what other people think about it.
So... getting back into the TFT Tradition... Do you think it's right to remain friends with an ex of your friend?  Have you done it?  Did good or bad come of it?  Did your friend know?  If you haven't done it, why not?  Just looking for general thoughts here ... ...

Other TFT Posters: Kristi , Nicole , Helmey , Dana Leigh , 


Lynne said...

I can't recall ever being in that situation, but just be honest with "Philip" and ask him if he would mind you staying friends with Sarah. If he minds, then you have to decide how important your friendship is with Philip, coz it will probably be over if you do see her. I don't suggest hiding the truth, coz Philip will be mad if he finds out the truth.
Good luck.

Ang said...

It's not so much that I'm in the situation right now, just curious how others would react in it.

Dana Leigh said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with being friends with an ex. As long as you respect both parties while doing it, you shouldn't feel guilty because you made a friend in the process. Put yourself in the situation. If you were dating a guy and you broke up and one of your guy friends had become friends with him and he wanted to hang out with your ex, would you mind? If it does bother you, then maybe that's your answer. It might be best to ask the person if they minded as everyone would react differently in this situation. I personally haven't experienced anything like this but would be interested in carrying on a friendship with a friend's ex if I become close to them. Sometimes the friendship between you and your "original" friend is more important and as with life, you have to let some things go and that might include the ex. Now, I'm all over the place with my answers! I'm just covering all the bases for ya. :) Nice topic.

Kristi said...

I didn't read your post all the way earlier when I linked to my I see I got your topic mixed up! I will have to fix my link :)
Anyway, it depends on the situation. For the most part I would say yes, if my new friend was a girl. I would probably not remain friends with an ex-boyfriend of any of my girlfriends.

Lovi said...

I think, yes, it's totally okay to remain friends. However, if they broke up cause one person cheated on the other, or something uncool like that, I think it gets complicated because then someone can argue it's a loyalty issue. On the other hand, by this age, I think we should mature enough to be OK with our friends being friends with someone we don't like. Not that I think I would be, but just that I would like to *think* I would be. ;-)


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