Thoughts for Tuesday...

For some reason I got to thinking about my past relationships last night in the shower... maybe it's because I was texting with an ex.

For the most part I've managed to end most of my relationships on good terms; no bad blood, no dirty laundry, and able to truly remain friends; we just understand that it's time for the relationship to be over on that level.  I have a few exes that I've remained in contact with and there are certain things I miss about the relationship, sure, but it's never enough for me to desire having that relationship back.

The reason I'm writing this is I got to thinking about my very last relationship before Steve... it would have been happening during my years of blogging... I don't think I wrote much about it or about the guy, but he entered my mind last night and I realized that I miss nothing about him or that relationship.  It dawned on me that it probably wasn't the best relationship to begin with if I didn't grieve over losing him .. I think I was sad for like a week, if even.  I think there are several factors that play into that; he lived in a different state being number one.  I was used to not having him around, so what's the difference now?  We just don't talk on the phone or email anymore.

It wasn't an abusive relationship, but I think him being older than me made him want to change me into someone sophisticated enough to be with him.  That isn't how I roll.  At the time, I thought I was in love, and maybe I was, so I went along with it and wore the clothes he wanted when we were together, or acted a certain way in a certain setting... overall, everything about that was not me.  I've never been one to confirm to anything .. for anyone!

Needless to say, I'm very happy that relationship has ended and he and I have exchanged hello's a few times over the years and he seems to be happy in his life, I'm very happy that he is.. what person doesn't deserve happiness, right?  It's probably the easiest end to a relationship I've ever been a part of... it's always sad to part ways, but when it's truly not meant to be, it's so much easier.

Anyhow... I'm not sure I have a point here, it's just something that felt good to acknowledge to myself and thought it was worth documenting.  It's hard to know it at the time, but usually things that come to an end do so for a valid reason.

Jealous much?

It could be true people... 2 blogs in one week, back to back(?!) - this kid could be making an epic comeback.  It's not likely true, but we can hope right?

Once upon a time I wrote a blog and Steve got upset with me for essentially airing our business when we weren't even a couple, officially.  It was more a matter of not talking to him before I put the situation on blast;  I took the blog down.  No big deal.
This time Steve already knows how I feel... so it shouldn't come as a surprise. ;)

Back in the fall - October/November specifically my dad and his wife had a baby and then my best friend Pam had a baby.  There were a lot of friends on Facebook having babies and posting photos... I started to get baby fever.
Steve and I don't specifically want kids - so I told him... if I start talking crazy and telling him let's make a baby he needs to remind me that, while they are cute when they are just born, they do grow out of that phase and begin walking, talking and forcing you to spend money.  I feel like my baby fever is slowly going away and once my bratty half brother and Pam's little girl start talking back and hitting me just because they think it's cool, I will be snapped back to reality and baby fever will be gone.  Until then...

Moving on... I have wedding fever ya'll!  As you know, my cousin just got married.  Pam is getting hitched in June... I'm simply dying to be married all of the sudden!
Sure, I've always wanted to be married, but now my desire is stronger than ever.  I want to be engaged, I want to tell our friends and family and have them be so happy for us, I want to plan a wedding, I want to have showers, I want to have a last night out with my girlfriends, I want a beautiful white dress, I want my dad to walk me down the aisle, I want to officially be joined to Steve for the rest of my life.
Steve and I have talked about doing something small and not spending a ton of money, because neither one of us want to go into debt just to be joined in Holy Matrimony.  I don't need fancy, I just want all of it.  I want to be a wife.


bah.

Dreams

I had a dream last night... a bad dream.  Not so much a nightmare in that it didn't have monsters or I didn't wake up scared - but a bad dream meaning it was something I didn't want to think about.  Something that made me feel uncomfortable.  Something I left in the past.  It was about an ex.

I suppose with all the big changes coming in mine and Steve's relationship, it could be normal?  By no stretch of the imagination do I still want to be in a relationship with that person - as a matter of fact - I can't believe I ever did.  I seriously thought that I wanted to marry that guy - and maybe people change - so maybe he was who I thought he was at the time?  Most likely not.   Our relationship was destined to end; have you ever read that one poem type thing: Reason, Season, or Lifetime - it's about how some people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime - you learn and grow from them, whatever, thats the point of it.  I'm convinced this person was there for a reason - I did learn a lot in the relationship, so I have that, but it would have never worked.

It was a long distance relationship too, so why the fuck I thought that could work is beyond me.  Why should I move to be with a guy - just because you have a job, doesn't mean I'm the one that should move; I have a job too.  
That is one thing I cherish daily about the relationship I have with Steve; I get to see him everyday, if I want.  I often times sit and wait for him to come pick me up and can't help but think to myself I'm so lucky he lives so close to me.  I can plan things with him and not have to worry about flights or taking time off work.  We can drive 2 hours to Duluth just for a malt or we can lounge on the couch and watch a movie - any.time.we.want.  I love it; I love him.

I digress; the dream, it really had me all fucked up this morning.  I don't necessarily believe that people's dreams mean something but I can't help but wonder why the hell it happened.  Kind of like if you have a dream that you killed your parents, you would most likely wonder why you had that dream, right?  Don't worry I don't dream shit like that, I'm just sayin'.

It just made me feel all icky and my blog is a place I can get rid of icky.  So there you go.