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Thursday, May 21, 2015

I Feel Stuck

I know that some people are still subscribed to my blog, but not nearly as many people are reading it as what used to.  I'm so okay with this.  I like the idea of having my blog back to the simple days.  I like being able to write and not have a ton of people reading or feeling like I have to produce some epic post to get blog hits.

Somewhere along the line I lost my blog to my readers.

I'll be honest, I don't read any blogs anymore - I may happen across one or two from time to time and scroll a page or two in, but I just don't have the desire for the 'community' aspect of it anymore.

This, however, is not what I wished to write about when I first opened this new post.


I feel stuck in a rut.  I get in these from time to time and I always get out... but I feel like it's been a LONG time since I've been here.

I've been trying to lose weight for a few months and I was doing a good job for the most part - not dropping too much, but enough to notice a difference.  I've been counting my calories and trying to workout more.
I feel like I've been doing some serious emotional eating the past 1-2 weeks and, while I've tried to make good decisions of what I put in my body, I'm eating more calories than I should be.
I might chalk some of this up to my monthly visitor, but overall, I know what I'm doing is within my own power to stop.

The other thing is that I'm not sleeping well as of late.  It's been a pretty emotional couple of weeks for me with my Gma's passing... for some reason I just can't get to bed at a decent time and when I do, I simply don't sleep well.  Today at work, before I even had my first cup of coffee, someone said to me "You look tired today"... real nice.  I've felt tired all week and it's just made me super crabby.  I feel like I have no real interest in seeing or spending time with people... I don't want to be crabby towards others.  I just want to be a hermit... curled up in a ball in the corner somewhere.  Sadly, every day this week I've thought long and hard about having a cigarette; I haven't smoked since 2009.

To top it all off I can't wrap my head around the fact that my gma is gone.  Some moments I want to bawl, other moments I want to be around as many people as possible, and sometimes I just want to run away and be alone.  More than anything I just want to cry... but I don't because I feel like I need to be strong.

Maybe this is grieving?

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


At what point do you realize you love somebody in your life?  I'm not talking about falling in love, but the family or closeness kind of love that you feel for a new family member or a best friend.

I feel like I want to tell people I love them a lot.  Maybe that's because my heart is so open and full, I have a lot to give in that department (I owe that to my Gma).

I have friends whom I've had forever and I truly love them - I know this to be true.  Not sure at what point I crossed over into that world of love, but my feelings for them are so deep and true.

Then you have people who come into your life through family measures - maybe you have a relative who begins dating someone and ends up getting married to that person, when do you form a love with that person, again, not being in love with them, but just having love for them?

How do you know what love is when it's not being in love?

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Heaven has a new Angel

I can't even begin to express in words how much this woman meant to me.  

My entire life I had a special relationship and bond with my Grandma.  It all started with my middle name... once I was old enough to understand that her and I share the same middle name I felt like she was my guardian angel, here on Earth.

I remember being little and spending a lot of time and my gma's place with my brother.  I guess my parents liked to go out and have a good time!  We'd spend New Year's Eve with her and she'd always buy those little champagne bottle poppers and I thought "Man, we must be so special to have these" as if we were the only kids to pop them at midnight.  Gma's place was always a magical one.  She was strict, but let us do a lot of fun things.  She'd serve us a half grapefruit in the morning, with a cherry in the middle... and it was up to us how much sugar we put on it!

We never lost this bond over the years.  Our family has always been close and we see each other often.  I remember being little and asking my dad "will Gma live until my golden birthday?"  My golden Birthday was my Sweet 16, so I wanted so badly for her to be there and be a part of it.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she always gave gold gifts on golden birthday's...

I don't remember what year it was that I started cleaning for my grandma, but her normal cleaning lady had quit and I was available and always looking to earn some extra money.  I cleaned her apartment for years... during these cleaning visits, we'd talk and talk and talk (mostly her telling me stories from the good old days), but it just solidified that we were soul mates.  I loved hearing those stories as many times as she wanted to tell them.  She loved having the company.  It worked great for the both of us.

In recent years her memory started to fade, and it was very sad to see, but through it all she knew the love I had in my heart for her.  She told me often how she could feel my love in every conversation, every hug, and every kiss.  I'm glad that my love conveyed so strongly to her.


Gma lived to be 90 years young.  When I say she lived... she really LIVED everyday.  I swear I've heard so many stories about all the things she did as a youngster... the good, bad and the ugly!

She lost her mother at a very young age and her father was hospitalized with TB (he passed when she was a teen) so was raised by her grandparents.  She often told me about how strict her grandma was, but how she learned so much from her.
I believe she was 17 when she went to The Glen Lake Sanatorium with a diagnosis of Tuberculosis.  She spent 5 years there and met my grandpa, who also had TB (My grandpas died on Mother's Day {5/14/1972} at age 49.  My Gma died on Mother's day {5/10/2015} at age 90).

She smoked for many years and quit, she drank (to excess) for many years and quit.  There was no reason her body should have made it to 90 years old other than her spirit wasn't ready to quit.

The one thing I always loved about my gma was her smile and positive outlook on life.  She was a gem on a daily basis.  Up until her last breath she never complained.

If I can live my life half as optimistically as she did, I know the world will be a better place.  My heart breaks knowing what I'll never get to say and do again, but I'm comforted by the fact that she's been reunited with those who've passed before her, including her sister, and by the fact that 90 years old is no small feat.  I truly feel she was ready to meet her maker.

So Gma, go off and fly with the angels... look down upon me and send love as often as you can.  I will miss your hugs, your triple kiss, your little giggle when I put my cold hands on your neck, your candy dish which always had my favorites as well as suckers for Steve.  I'll never forget your stories, your positive nature, and the way you used to go deep into character when you'd read me nursery rhymes as a child.  Thank you for all the love you given me, the lessons you've taught me, and the little ray of sunshine you brought into so many lives you've crossed along your journey.

I love you with my whole entire heart and I know you know this.  I will miss you terribly and remember you every day.  Please tell Elaine, Gary, Donna, Betty, Bill, and Gpa that I say hello and love them all.


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