I know that some people are still subscribed to my blog, but not nearly as many people are reading it as what used to. I'm so okay with this. I like the idea of having my blog back to the simple days. I like being able to write and not have a ton of people reading or feeling like I have to produce some epic post to get blog hits.
Somewhere along the line I lost my blog to my readers.
I'll be honest, I don't read any blogs anymore - I may happen across one or two from time to time and scroll a page or two in, but I just don't have the desire for the 'community' aspect of it anymore.
This, however, is not what I wished to write about when I first opened this new post.
I feel stuck in a rut. I get in these from time to time and I always get out... but I feel like it's been a LONG time since I've been here.
I've been trying to lose weight for a few months and I was doing a good job for the most part - not dropping too much, but enough to notice a difference. I've been counting my calories and trying to workout more.
I feel like I've been doing some serious emotional eating the past 1-2 weeks and, while I've tried to make good decisions of what I put in my body, I'm eating more calories than I should be.
I might chalk some of this up to my monthly visitor, but overall, I know what I'm doing is within my own power to stop.
The other thing is that I'm not sleeping well as of late. It's been a pretty emotional couple of weeks for me with my Gma's passing... for some reason I just can't get to bed at a decent time and when I do, I simply don't sleep well. Today at work, before I even had my first cup of coffee, someone said to me "You look tired today"... real nice. I've felt tired all week and it's just made me super crabby. I feel like I have no real interest in seeing or spending time with people... I don't want to be crabby towards others. I just want to be a hermit... curled up in a ball in the corner somewhere. Sadly, every day this week I've thought long and hard about having a cigarette; I haven't smoked since 2009.
To top it all off I can't wrap my head around the fact that my gma is gone. Some moments I want to bawl, other moments I want to be around as many people as possible, and sometimes I just want to run away and be alone. More than anything I just want to cry... but I don't because I feel like I need to be strong.
Maybe this is grieving?