I'm not real sure how to start this or where its going to go... so bare with me.
I'm writing to fill in some blanks based on the comments to my post yesterday. Back in April I announced I was going to have a little brother or sister - it was in passing - no matter how much I say I'm 'at peace' with it.. it's still a hard thing for me to deal with.
Back story goes like this:
It was the summer of the year 2000, I had just graduated high school and just gotten over a case of mono from too many late nights celebrating my freedom. I was about a month into a relationship with a boy I was sure was the one. We had just picked up a couple of pizza's and were all set up over at a friends of his house to watch something, I don't remember what. My phone rings and it's my dad... he's asking me to come home right away. He tells me he's leaving and I need to come be with my mother. I panic, I cry, I drive home in a state of confusion.
I get home to my mother, in tears and hysterical, telling me my dad has left us to be with another woman, Raquel.
I've never felt so much hurt in my life. To this day it still hurts to talk/type about.
I took a small downward spiral - did some drugs, drank a bit, didn't care much about anything.
As a secondary result, my still young relationship ended a few months later... I clung to him as a support system and we weren't ready for that yet.
There was a lot of back and forth over the next year - my dad came home a time or two - then left again. Each time it hurt me a bit more and set me back in my grieving.
After a LOT of anger (including but not limited to: driving to Raquel's job and confronting her, writing lots of probably hurtful letters, and trying to give my father an ultimatum of her or me) I finally realized that I have no control over this and I'm a daddy's girl and I always will be. I didn't know what he is going through and I couldn't even pretend that I don't love him anymore.
If I wanted to have my father in my life, I needed to figure out how the hell I was going to deal with it. Then I needed to just do it. I didn't have to forgive or forget, I just needed to cope. My mother was non-stop bashing him - which I understood but I couldn't listen to anymore. I needed to begin healing and that wasn't helping. I asked her to stop talking to me about it.
in 2001, my parents were divorced.
I began trying to accept my dad and Raquel's relationship, even though she is 19 years younger than my dad and the way they went about entering into a relationship was wrong. I started doing little things like spending time with them and trying to get to know her.
In August of 2003 they were married. I was there, I drank to ease the pain, and I had my best girl Pam with me to help as well.
I made some more progress after that point and began spending more time with them as a couple.
In 2007 a new issue arises and I find myself being set back again.. I already had enough going on in my life with a long distance relationship that was getting me nowhere, I didn't need to feel all of these negative feelings again. This issue was causing lots of problems for my dad and I found myself 99% of the time worrying about him. My dad asked that we support him in his decision to try and work through the bad.
Not a pleasant time in my life, but I didn't follow that same downward spiral - this time I did the opposite - I found myself in the gym more than ever and got myself to a point where I was proud of my body - the gym was a good distraction and a helpful way to get out frustration. This was also the same time that I started hanging out with Steve more, as a friend.
Even though I don't feel like I ever went into great detail with him about what I was going through, he was a great support system for me as well, it was nice to have a friend that I could talk to about something other than the bad stuff. I don't think he has any idea how much I needed him at that time. Maybe I should tell him?
After some time my dad assured me that things were better and he seemed happier than I'd ever seen him, so all I could do was trust that. Just because I had a broken line of trust with Raquel didn't mean I couldn't trust my dad, so I figured I'd start to let that trust build back between Raquel and myself.
I still don't know exactly how I did it; the saying Time heals all wounds is a very true statement to me.
Fast forward to this year, back in February - the first day I'm back at work after Hawaii, my dad wants to take me out to lunch, obviously I go. We eat and talk about the trip, no big deal. Then as I think we're getting ready to go, he drops the bomb on me they're having a baby... I cry, a lot. I go home and cry, I cry to Steve, I cry to my mom, I cry to my brother.
Over the next several months of Raquel being pregnant I somehow flip a switch and my entire way of thinking changes. I realize that I care for this person and that little baby inside of her is going to be my brother or sister (we now know, brother).
I never used to give Raquel hugs when we'd go our separate ways after being together, I don't know if I ever called her by name on my blog - it was always my dad's wife, never step-mother as she is only 3 years older than my brother - it's hard to think of her as a 'mother' to me. Things have just changed for me mentally.
Yesterday when I found out she was in labor I was excited and very nervous. Since I'm being so honest here, let me continue by saying that I really wanted for them to have a boy. Not only would that assure the last name be carried on (since my brother had 2 girls and they talk of being done), but I didn't want someone else to take my place as daddy's girl. I can't even type that without getting teary-eyed. I know that no one would take my place in my father's eyes, but I didn't even want to have to think about it.
I got home from work last night still with no news of a baby, I sat on the couch with my cat and cried a little bit. I wouldn't love the child any less if its a girl, but the thought of it made me sad. That AND the fact that my dad was having another kid just hit me hard yesterday.
I went to bed last night still with no news, I laid there trying to fall asleep and cried a little bit more. Parts of me were sad, other parts excited, other parts scared. It's a very emotional thing for me. My dad is 55 in a month - that's old for having another kid! I'm going to be 30 in a couple of months and I have a new sibling, my nieces have a new uncle,; it's just odd to think about!
I want my dad to be happy - and I've said that from the beginning of my healing process. I truly mean that.
Some days are better than others - some days I have to wear a fake smile to get by with thoughts of my dad starting a new life, other days my smile is real. I want people to see me as a strong person, I'm almost 30, I should be able to deal with this like an adult.
I'm happy for them and the new chapter they are entering in their lives, I just hope it doesn't mean less time with the rest of the people they love. I know how busy people get when kids are brought into their lives.
So.. that's the history - some of you know parts of that, others know nothing of it, but that's how it went and how it goes.