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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Grieving

I had such a wonderful conversation with an old friend last night.  He was a HUGE part of my life when Davina was and has an amazing memory.  We started out on Facebook, talking about memories then I just had to have him call me... I wanted to hear the story that he remembered.. every bit of it.  I asked him to give all the details he could, even then I still didn't remember it happening.  Although, in my own defense, it was a horrific story that it seems I may not want to remember.  Okay, maybe horrific is a stretch, but almost getting blown away in a thunderstorm can be pretty traumatizing!
The older I get the more I realize the my memory isn't what it used to be.

I've been going through pictures for days and remembering so much about my life, not just memories of Davina.  It's amazing the life I've lived.  I'm truly lucky to have had the amazing adventures I have!


I think I'm grieving properly...
I'm talking about it.  It sucks to talk to people who didn't know her, because there is no way you can describe her amazing attitude towards life, the fact that she was always happy and smiling, and how positive she really was.
I'm crying when I need to and smiling when it's appropriate.  In all honesty... I have so many great memories of my time with Davina, I've been smiling and laughing a lot lately (to myself)! 
I'm having guilty feelings of not seeing her enough in recent years.  I know it's not my fault and people grow apart... still feel guilty though.

I want to write on her facebook wall daily and let her know that I'm thinking about her.  When will the time come when I can go just one day without thinking about her?

One thing I struggle with... what to say when people say they are sorry for my loss.  I know I've lost a friend and it sucks, so I know people are going to sympathize and empathize with my pain.  I just don't feel like saying "Thank you" is the right response; is it?  It doesn't seem thankful enough to me.


The funeral service is tomorrow (Thursday) and parts of me are looking forward to it while parts of me are dreading it.  My friend told me that it will help me feel not so alone.  To be able to surround myself with people who can relate, people who have their own stories, and to celebrate her life together; he's a smart boy!  I'm not sure how to get through it.. but I'm going to give it my all and hope that I come out of it feeling amazing and light; like I've sent her to heaven in my mind and she can now truly rest in peace.

I feel like, being I hadn't seen Davina in years, I should feel this upset about it.  Maybe that just means she, in fact, did have a huge impact on my life?

Sorry that I'm kind of all across the board with my thoughts today... just typing as it hits me.

4 comments:

Denise said...

Oh Ang this post reminds me EXACTLY of how I felt when my best friend from elementary and high school passed away about two years ago.

We too had grown apart that last few years prior to her passing but I still missed her like crazy and the thought that I would never be able to re-connect with her killed me. I too felt the same way about going to the funeral like people would look at me and think "why is she here" "she hasn't talked to Mandi in at least a year" or "why is she crying so hard, they weren't close".

Well, I hurt so bad, was so sad and missed her just like anyone else. She and I had a special connection, shared everything and were best friends for so many years that she felt more like a sister than a friend and even though we didn't see each other often running into each other we could pick up right where we stopped the time prior.

Your not alone and I can totally relate. Good luck with everything and healing from your loss.

Kell said...

I don't know what you're going through, but I AM sorry. I can only imagine.

It's a pretty raw wound for you though. Things will get better in time.

Magpie said...

I wish I had met her - she sounds incredible. Grieving is a weird process, because it stops and starts long after you think you're finished.

Hardly a week goes by that I don't think of my English teacher from school, who meant so much more to me than I think she ever realised. I regret not having told her every day.

It sucks.

gringationcancun said...

It sounds like you're handling it very well. Maybe you can use this time to get back in touch with other high school friends, like your guy friend.

feel better

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