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Saturday, August 15, 2009

My funkity funk

I'm not sure sitting here after having a couple glasses of wine is the right thing to do... but it's what I'm going to do.
(Let me first apologize for any merged words - I'm typing on my brothers computer and the space bar is testy...so far I've been making effort to go back and correct, but it's tiresome!  This could also make for a shorter blog than expected.)

I'm tired.  I don't mean it's 10:35pm and I want to go to bed I mean, I'm tired mentally andphysically. 

I'm not sure I know the exact reason for thefunk I've been in lately, but I have a pretty good idea of a few things behind it.
Finances are always on my mind - the older i get the more I am confused by how my  friends are buying houses andhaving kids and doing things that cost money.  Is my job really that bad and do I really make that little money - or I am justretarded and spend my  money foolishly?  I don't get it.  There is really no way I could afford to move out right now... not even to rent.  I hate money.

It's summer - I'm supposed to be  happy and out having fun.

Another thing weighing on my mind is my self confidence; I've always  had a lot of the stuff but lately I've been feeling opposite of that - huge part of that is needing to get my ass back to the gym.  I cancelled my membership in the Spring because the place was falling apart and it pissed me off to be paying for a place that doesn't get taken care of.  I quit and havn't really been  doing  much to keep my girlish figure :( Hence, I feel it's gone away. 
I went out Friday night with some girlfriends and there were pictures being taken... my face looks fat in all of them - a fat face in  a picture is a sure tell, to me, that I'm gaining.  fuck.
My  insurance has a fit plan where I get a $20 credit/mo. if I go at least 8 times... so now I  just need thecash to pay the sign up fee.  I'll pull that from savings i f I have to; I need to do something.

I get into funks... this one seems to be lasting a bit longer.  I cry more than I have in a long time.  I feel tired and exhausted more than ever.  I have no motivation even if I weren't tired.

I'm pretty sure there aren't  many people  reading  my blog anymore, and that's fine - I never wanted people to read who didn't want to, but the hits are down so it makes me okay with writing something like this.  This blog started out as  my way of writing my life  down and I think I got carried away by trying to make it something for other people.  I dont want or need a pity party, I'm not even asking for sympathy - just talking out loud - trying to make sense of this thing called life.

I think happiness is something we all must seek  within  ourselves - I fear I am guilty  of looking for happiness around me in order to find myown.  I don't feel as happy as I was 6 months ago.  I don't feel as happy asI  was 3years ago.

To answer my own post from the other week... happiness on a scale of  1-100; currently I feel  I'm at about a 50, and  I can feel it lessen by  the day.  I need something more, but I'm  not  sure what that is.

5 comments:

Lynne said...

i have to admit that since bb started, I haven't been reading much, but this one caught my eye.
Just know that we all go through ups and downs in life, and this is just ur down time.
I am here for you, so anytime you want to talk or text, just do it.

Love you very much.

Kristi said...

My summer has been so busy that blogs just aren't a priority.... mine or any others, unfortunately. I still love reading your blog when I have time though!

Dana Leigh said...

Aw, I know how funks are but soon you'll bounch back both mentally and physically. We all go through life like that. I'm still reading your blog and commenting. I don't always read every day but I'm still keeping up with you. Crazy summer as it seems to be for everyone. I don't understand how people have money to do everything either so maybe we both have crappy paying jobs. I would not be able to buy a house or have a baby and good thing I don't need either. Chin up, girly. (And I only see one chin) ;)

Shawn said...

Still reading... if you ever want to talk, let me know. I've been through points in life that have been troublesome and worked, worked, and more work to get to a point where I feel pretty good.

I have some thoughts for ya - but none of them are anything I'd share in a blog or on Fbook - in person only.

-Shawn

Shawn said...

BTW... if you see this, don't reply to my Gmail account. I never read it... use Hotmail.

-Shawn

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