I'm not sure sitting here after having a couple glasses of wine is the right thing to do... but it's what I'm going to do.
(Let me first apologize for any merged words - I'm typing on my brothers computer and the space bar is testy...so far I've been making effort to go back and correct, but it's tiresome! This could also make for a shorter blog than expected.)
I'm tired. I don't mean it's 10:35pm and I want to go to bed I mean, I'm tired mentally andphysically.
I'm not sure I know the exact reason for thefunk I've been in lately, but I have a pretty good idea of a few things behind it.
Finances are always on my mind - the older i get the more I am confused by how my friends are buying houses andhaving kids and doing things that cost money. Is my job really that bad and do I really make that little money - or I am justretarded and spend my money foolishly? I don't get it. There is really no way I could afford to move out right now... not even to rent. I hate money.
It's summer - I'm supposed to be happy and out having fun.
Another thing weighing on my mind is my self confidence; I've always had a lot of the stuff but lately I've been feeling opposite of that - huge part of that is needing to get my ass back to the gym. I cancelled my membership in the Spring because the place was falling apart and it pissed me off to be paying for a place that doesn't get taken care of. I quit and havn't really been doing much to keep my girlish figure :( Hence, I feel it's gone away.
I went out Friday night with some girlfriends and there were pictures being taken... my face looks fat in all of them - a fat face in a picture is a sure tell, to me, that I'm gaining. fuck.
My insurance has a fit plan where I get a $20 credit/mo. if I go at least 8 times... so now I just need thecash to pay the sign up fee. I'll pull that from savings i f I have to; I need to do something.
I get into funks... this one seems to be lasting a bit longer. I cry more than I have in a long time. I feel tired and exhausted more than ever. I have no motivation even if I weren't tired.
I'm pretty sure there aren't many people reading my blog anymore, and that's fine - I never wanted people to read who didn't want to, but the hits are down so it makes me okay with writing something like this. This blog started out as my way of writing my life down and I think I got carried away by trying to make it something for other people. I dont want or need a pity party, I'm not even asking for sympathy - just talking out loud - trying to make sense of this thing called life.
I think happiness is something we all must seek within ourselves - I fear I am guilty of looking for happiness around me in order to find myown. I don't feel as happy as I was 6 months ago. I don't feel as happy asI was 3years ago.
To answer my own post from the other week... happiness on a scale of 1-100; currently I feel I'm at about a 50, and I can feel it lessen by the day. I need something more, but I'm not sure what that is.