When I had it on private and I posted, it didn't show up for any of you, but as soon as I took the 'private' off, my posts showed up. This sucks. I wish there was a way to notify you all of posts while I'm private. Dana made a comment about another blog she used to read still showing up... I've searched high and low and I've yet to find anything. I'm still searching though. In the mean time, I'm leaving things 'public' - anyone looking for my blog has to know the name to find it. I'm sure of that.
So, let's talk weight loss a bit, shall we? First of all, since I posted last Friday I've been to the gym several times! I went on Friday, Monday, Wednesday and I have plans to go tonight as well as tomorrow. I HAD plans to go on Saturday, but I had a bridal shower that ended up taking longer than I expected and I just didn't have time to get there with my evenings plans looming. Sunday I was hungover from my Saturday night plans... whoops. I'll be weighing in tomorrow.
In the mean time... as if I needed more motivation... I pulled down my pants this morning to go to the bathroom (tmi?) and noticed that I have a rip in the thigh of my jeans. Not super surprising as I have big thighs and a big ass - my thighs rub together when I walk thus wearing down the material in pants - but it's still heart-breaking. I kind of love these jeans... and now I look like a whore. A whore who feels fat and completely insecure about herself. New feelings for me. I guess a trip to Target is in order after
My gym doesn't offer classes (it's one of those cheap 24 hour access gyms, so it's not staffed all the time) - but I am looking into taking a community ed class, probably Kettlebells. If you've been reading for a bit, you'll remember last Spring I took a zumba class and pretty much hated it. I felt so out of place in there.
So other than that... my job still sucks and I still hate it here. I no longer feel valued or needed - I feel like I'm just here to do whatever it is I know how to do (and not even all that I used to do anymore)... so that's always a neat feeling.
I'm digging deep for motivation to wake up and come to this place on a daily basis. I also feel like it's having a bit of an impact on my relationship - not a huge one, but a bit. I feel like I've always been decent at leaving work at work, but I'm struggling lately. I told Steve that there will be days that I come home crabby, and while I'll try not to take it out on him... I can't hold back the way I feel. It's not him that I'm upset with, but if I've had a bad day, sometimes it's hard to perk up when I get home. Hopefully he continues to love me no matter what.
What a great life right? I hate my body, I hate my job, I hate blogger for not making it easy to go private, I hate Hulu for no longer streaming my favorite MTV shows... where is the positive? It's there... and like the sunshine on a cloudy day, it peeks through sometimes. I guess 2011 was so great, I have to expect some bad in 2012, right? I feel like I might be on the verge of a small breakdown.
I've spent almost this entire week at work looking up stuff on New York City - so I'm getting ready for that trip... only 2 months to go! I'm also planning a bachelorette party for my cousin, which is about a month and a half away. Something I've never done, but I'm excited for.
Okay, that's my super upbeat update. I'll check in tomorrow with my weigh-in, hopefully that'll have a bit lower number to report. I promise one day I'll have a positive outlook again. Please bare with me until then... I'm grasping at straws for things to smile about.