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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Can you see me now?

As some of you commented recently, a few of my posts should have popped up in your readers over the last day or two.  I took the blog off private for a bit.  Partially seeing how it'd work.
When I had it on private and I posted, it didn't show up for any of you, but as soon as I took the 'private' off, my posts showed up.  This sucks.  I wish there was a way to notify you all of posts while I'm private.  Dana made a comment about another blog she used to read still showing up... I've searched high and low and I've yet to find anything.  I'm still searching though.  In the mean time, I'm leaving things 'public' - anyone looking for my blog has to know the name to find it.  I'm sure of that.

So, let's talk weight loss a bit, shall we?  First of all, since I posted last Friday I've been to the gym several times!  I went on Friday, Monday, Wednesday and I have plans to go tonight as well as tomorrow.  I HAD plans to go on Saturday, but I had a bridal shower that ended up taking longer than I expected and I just didn't have time to get there with my evenings plans looming.  Sunday I was hungover from my Saturday night plans... whoops.  I'll be weighing in tomorrow.
In the mean time... as if I needed more motivation... I pulled down my pants this morning to go to the bathroom (tmi?) and noticed that I have a rip in the thigh of my jeans.  Not super surprising as I have big thighs and a big ass - my thighs rub together when I walk thus wearing down the material in pants - but it's still heart-breaking.  I kind of love these jeans... and now I look like a whore.  A whore who feels fat and completely insecure about herself.  New feelings for me.  I guess a trip to Target is in order after work the gym.

My gym doesn't offer classes (it's one of those cheap 24 hour access gyms, so it's not staffed all the time) - but I am looking into taking a community ed class, probably Kettlebells.  If you've been reading for a bit, you'll remember last Spring I took a zumba class and pretty much hated it.  I felt so out of place in there.

So other than that... my job still sucks and I still hate it here.  I no longer feel valued or needed - I feel like I'm just here to do whatever it is I know how to do (and not even all that I used to do anymore)... so that's always a neat feeling.
I'm digging deep for motivation to wake up and come to this place on a daily basis.  I also feel like it's having a bit of an impact on my relationship - not a huge one, but a bit.  I feel like I've always been decent at leaving work at work, but I'm struggling lately.  I told Steve that there will be days that I come home crabby, and while I'll try not to take it out on him... I can't hold back the way I feel.  It's not him that I'm upset with, but if I've had a bad day, sometimes it's hard to perk up when I get home.  Hopefully he continues to love me no matter what.

What a great life right?  I hate my body, I hate my job, I hate blogger for not making it easy to go private, I hate Hulu for no longer streaming my favorite MTV shows... where is the positive?  It's there... and like the sunshine on a cloudy day, it peeks through sometimes.  I guess 2011 was so great, I have to expect some bad in 2012, right?  I feel like I might be on the verge of a small breakdown.

I've spent almost this entire week at work looking up stuff on New York City - so I'm getting ready for that trip... only 2 months to go!  I'm also planning a bachelorette party for my cousin, which is about a month and a half away.  Something I've never done, but I'm excited for.

Okay, that's my super upbeat update.  I'll check in tomorrow with my weigh-in, hopefully that'll have a bit lower number to report.  I promise one day I'll have a positive outlook again.  Please bare with me until then... I'm grasping at straws for things to smile about.


8 comments:

Kristi said...

I see you again! And I can easily join the pity party about having clothes that don't fit. It sucks!! Good for you for doing something about it :)

Gringation Cancun said...

Yay for you on going to the gym! You should be proud :) Looks like you're starting out great.

Also, you can watch MTV shows on MTV.com. I'm not sure if they post the episodes the day after (because they stopped streaming in Mexico... bastards), but you should check it out! Most TV channels upload episodes of all/most of their shows onto their website within 24 hours.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Good job hitting the gym. You are an inspiration to me. Also, this big thigh and ass girl definitely feels ya on the ripped jeans stuff. It happened to my favorite pair of Gap Long and Leans. And those frickin jeans are damn expensive. Uggggh. Hope something else works out in the job department. I just gave my notice for mine and am going back to school. Kinda scary. But definitely needed in my life right now.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

You definitely aren't the only one hating your job. I've been searching high and low for a "once I graduate" job. I am so sick of Perkins. My bosses are mostly rude and treat us servers more like animals than people. I get a crap schedule even though I have seniority. I'm a closer server and the ONLY good thing about that is the free meal except now we aren't allowed to take breaks to eat that free meal... and you can't eat on the clock so you either have to come in early (hell no) or take it home with you, where it'll probably be cold by that point.

The funny thing is I'm not even looking for a dream job. I just want one in which I don't have to ask how they like their eggs, I can be working full time and I get health benefits. I don't feel like it's at all too much to ask for. And I hate that I'm having to work so hard to find something else.

Anyway. I feel your pain, seriously. I could have written this post. I hope things get better for both of us. And if you ever need someone to complain to, feel free to email or text. It's nice when you know you aren't alone!

Smart Ass Sara said...

I heard kettlebells is awesome, but I'm waiting for it to be at a continuing ed price before I try. :)

And the job thing is huge. I was at a sucky job for so long that you start to forget what having a good job is like. So I say.. keep looking and jump for whatever. Because I think anything would be better than struggling to go to work every day.

Dana said...

I see you again! Aw, cheer up! Life is good even though everything seems down. I've had multiple pairs of jeans die that way. I'll be the thigh rubber together girl forever. As for jobs, is there anything you are specifically looking for? What area? What's your qualifications? Maybe I can be on the lookout for you. I have a set of kettlebells at home and I've only used them a couple of times. They really kick your ass and you get a workout even when you don't feel like you're doing much.

Shawn said...

Perk up... things come and go. Get a different job and things will be on the up and up. Even though I have good career - work is just work, not my life. That's what I have after work.

Murdock's mama said...

I am SO jealous you're going to New York....TAKE ME! TAKE ME! I hope you have a blast!!

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