As I approach my late 20's (eek!) I find that life is short. I have no idea where this summer has gone and I'm not sure why it's already getting cold (that's an entirely different blog). Thinking too much has never been good for me...
I went to lunch with my dad today. It's a really easy thing for us to do, obviously, but I mean it's easy in the fact that I have every Friday off and generally don't do much during the day because everyone is working. I could make it happen more and I should.
I love my dad, with all of my heart!
The reason I set up this lunch was actually in spite of my mother and the dumb ass games she plays. Some of you know the details behind my mother and father and for those who don't, simply put; they were married (happily) for 23 years and have now been divorced for 7, not together for 8. I still remember the day clearly. Divorce is no easier on an 19 year old than it is on an 8 year old.
I've been struggling in the past year and a half with the decisions my father has been making. I know I can't do anything about it and I don't wish to control him, I do worry about him though... a lot. Without getting into too much detail, his wife is an alcoholic. I worry about him in that situation and I have taken a stand to not go up to his house until some issues are addressed.
So the other night my mom lets me read this email chain between her and my dad... started by her. In that first email she adds at least 3 little sarcastic jabs at him and is surprised when he gets angry with her. My fuse was already short that day, so I went off and pointed out (not very nicely) that she knows damn well that her comments would piss him off and that she intentionally added them to piss him off. She thinks she is helping but she is doing the exact opposite and putting me in the middle of it, which is a place I do not want to be.
So I, in full tears, run downstairs and cry out my anger. Then I decide that I only have one dad and my life isn't getting any longer. So I call my dad and bitch with him for a few minutes about the games and tell him that I understand and I'm sorry she said those things. We set up plans for lunch, say 'I love you' to each other, and hang up.
I harbor negative feelings for both of my parents through the entire divorce, but the one thing that I have continued to tell myself daily is that if I want to have them in my life I cannot act on or let those feelings and emotions surface. Sometimes, because I am human, I lose focus.
I've completely lost my train of thought in where this blog was going...
I love my dad and I will always be a daddy's girl, I think I need to put my negative feelings aside and go up to his place more... maybe I will learn that things are not as bad as I think.
Having him in my life is something I need and I am the one making it less than what it could be.
1 comment:
Glad you aren't completely taking sides on this, must be hard to be in the middle.....
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