Once a year....

I've gone back and forth a lot lately about what is okay and appropriate for me to write about in my blog... After much consideration and a morning I kind of need to vent about, I've decided that as long as I give a warning, it's my blog and I can write about anything I want to write about.  Right?

So.. warning: I'm about to talk about my vagina and that once a year trip to the doctor.  I guess I should double warn to the guys reading... you may want to move on in your web searching at this point.

This morning I had to have a pap smear, a repeat pap smear because back in November when I had my yearly exam done they didn't take enough tissue to properly do the necessary testing.  I've never been good at having my vagina probed [unless I'm with a guy ;)] so the yearly trip to the doctor has always been a high stress level for me.  Having to go back within a couple months to have it done again was like extra stressful.  It's not just stressful either; for me, I get dizzy, light-headed, crampy... it's a whole big ordeal and while I'm sure some of it is in my head, a lot of it is very real and can't be helped.
Some of the back story behind this, I once had an abnormal pap and, because cancer runs high in my blood line,  they had to do what is called a colposcopy (which is where they take a biopsy of the cells of the cervix).  After which, I was so dizzy and light-headed I thought I was going to pass out, they brought me juice to get some sugar into me.  I was cramping and spoting for the entire day as well.  Pap's have gotten a lot worse for me since then.

About 2 years ago I changed clinics because I was still driving 30 minutes to the clinic I had gone to my entire life.  It's a huge process to change and having to change doctors is a pain in the ass when you consider that the only time you're going to see this person your legs are going to be spread up in stirrups.  I had a huge problem with the doctor that replaced my normal doctor in NE, she never looked me in the eye and was very cold.  So I find a new clinic and make an appointment with some doctor I don't know... it was fine... nothing special but fine.  Just this past November I have to go in again and the doctor I had seen the year before was booked out for a few months, so I make an appointment with someone that was available, no big deal.  So we go through all the steps and get to the pap... I manage through it.  I get a phone call a few weeks later (after stressing because I hadn't heard anything) telling me that the weren't able to run the tests because they didn't get a large enough sample of tissue.  UGH!  So now I have to make another appointment to have the pap done again... oh but wait, the appointment will be at no charge because it was their fault - like that's going to make me feel better.

This morning was the repeat pap and afterwards I decided that it's time to find yet another new doctor.  This doctor is a man (same guy who did it back in Nov) and kind of an ass.  With good reason, I wasn't excited to be there, so I'm sure my mood was cold, but he is the one who fucked up and didn't spend enough time in my vag the first time... so is it wrong that I kind of hate him for my being there again?  I don't think so.  I just want to skip the formalities and get this shit over with... I lay down, I breathe, I prop my feet up into those stirrups and slide my ass down to the end of the table... you know the drill.  Welcome back to my vagina doctor!  Do your shit and get the hell out... don't talk to me, don't pretend like you care, and stop touching the damn speculum once it's in!  I just love how they say 'take a deep breath and try to let that bottom muscle relax'... seriously!?  Let me stick that thing up your ass and see if you can let your muscle relax...

Ok, I'm sorry - I'm getting carried away.  At this point I don't even remember the point of my blogging about this other than to vent about how doctors are so fucking impersonal.  If I'm going to spread my legs for you and you aren't going to cuddle with me afterwards... at least take the time to pretend like you're a nice person and take some damn care when you're probing my vag.

I should stop talking now... If you've continued to read up to this point, you deserve props.  I wouldn't have blamed you for stopping the first mention of vagina.

Have a good day and an even better weekend!