Life... my how we change as the years pass

I went to see my niece today. That little girl can brighten my day, anytime. I'm so thankful for her.

As the days pass in my life I grow to be more and more unhappy. It's pretty much a bunch of little things that keep adding up... and they seem bigger and bigger with time.
I think a lot of it centers around growing up and going through so many changes in my life.. it's just hard to adjust. I don't know.

My mother drives me nuts... and it's not just the mother/daughter relationship that bothers me. It's the fact that she never listens, she complains about things that she has the ability to change but is too lazy to change them, and things of that sort. I have the best situation in living with her, but is it really worth my happiness to remain in this situation? I want my own kitchen, I want my own things, I want to have a life that is mine and I can come and go as I please without having to feel like I need to tell her where I am. The problem... I don't have an interest in living with any of my friends. I also can't afford to live alone, places are so damn expensive and while I could potentially afford it, I would have to change my lifestyle dramatically, and I'm just not sure that I am ready for that.

I have a friend who lives out of state- she has offered to let me stay with her until I get on my feet on the ground. That is such an amazing offer, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have someone like that in my life. There is such a strong desire I have to just jump on the offer and deal with the aftermath later, but I am trying to use my head and actually think about it before I do anything.
The one thing that keeps weighing on my is my niece. I love that little girl to death, and the thought of moving away from her makes me so sad. I cried myself to sleep the other night over it. The flip side of that is I can't live my life for her. I can't let friends or family stop me from getting out of this state and doing new things; especially being so unhappy in this dumb ass state.

I feel very bored in my life, right now. I get like this sometimes, and it usually passes... I hope this does as well.

The other part of my life that sucks... and I am going to remain brief on this topic... but my current relationship status. I am in love with a guy, someone I am not with. I have feelings for some other guys... some really fucking great guys, but I feel it's so unfair of me to try and pursue something with them when my heart isn't in it right now. I want to move on and move forward, but I really don't know how. I know that relationships are a part of life and you live and learn, but learning is hard.

anyhow- I'm sure there is more going on in my little head... but I needed to get that much out for now.

On an entirely different note:
I went to this nightclub last night (The Rock in Maplewood)- and for the past year or maybe less the entire state of MN has been non-smoking. Well, last week there was this thing on the news that there was a loophole in the smoking ban, and that it allows smoking indoors if it is for "the arts", as in plays and such. So I guess The Rock has made changes to accommodate to this loophole. They were selling buttons for $1 to smokers that said "ACT NOW" and pretty much meant that you were part of the 'show' and could smoke. The bartenders were people 'acting' as bartenders, the bouncers... actors, the music... an act. I think you get the point, and as people attending the show, we are bystanders in the 'show', therefore, we can smoke.
It made my night last night absolutely miserable! so many people were smoking- my frickin lungs hurt so bad when I woke up this morning. It had everyone upset last night... all the non-smokers anyhow.
I'm pretty sure Kristi is going to be writing a blog about it and posting some things she collected last night... http://www.sweetsauer.com/kristis_bliggitty_blog/2008/03/smoking-ban-a-f.html

That was another thing I needed to get off my chest...

This blog probably sucks for most of you to read, and I am not looking for a pity party on my behalf... I just needed to vent a little bit.
Thanks for reading, and sorry for being so negative- sometimes life is that way.